I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the Orange County Fair, but it can be a lot of fun, depending on your expectations.
If you expect that it will be really hot — all that tarmac absorbing the sun and radiating it back up to you — you’ll be happy.
If you expect that the price of admission — around $15 — plus the parking is the most you’ll spend that day, you’ll be grievously disappointed.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you’ve heard about Jeff Bezos’ insanely extravagant wedding to former TV news personality Lauren Sanchez in Venice, that cost approximately the gross national product of several small third-world countries. (And, of course, the Kardashians were there.)
Well, that could be comparable to your day at the Orange County Fair, especially if you can’t tear yourself away from the fried Twinkie stand.
Last time I took my kids, I calculated afterward that a day at Disneyland wouldn’t have cost much more, which would be fine as long as you have prepared yourself emotionally. It’s like buying a house. Just know that you’re going to spend way more than you’ve planned, and you’ll be able to get over the shock.
It is possible to do lots of fun things at the fair for cheap or free, in fact I just wrote a story listing many of them. If you make a list and focus on doing these things, it’s affordable. Also, if you bring your own food, you’ll be less hungry and won’t buy that turkey leg that costs more than your first car. I always find turkey legs so disappointing, anyway, because there’s less meat on the bone than I expect, and you really have to gnaw to get it. Anyway, don’t go to the fair hungry. Fatal error.
They let you bring in soft coolers (no hard-sided ones), but I like to bring everything in a grocery bag with a frozen water bottle to keep it all cold, and then throw it all away afterward, so I don’t have to haul it around. Don’t try to bring in glass, cans or booze unless you want to get kicked out, or at least scolded.
It’s easy to spend your life’s savings on carnival rides, unless you’re me. I get so nauseous on thrill rides that I avoid them, even if it means I have to sit on a bench for an hour, watching everyone else having fun. Have you ever noticed how people seem to take personal offense that you won’t go on the ride with them and harangue you mercilessly, like a missionary trying to convert you?
The last time I succumbed to such hectoring, I was persuaded to go on this ride that went upside down, even though I knew the results would not be pretty. I ended up barfing all over the person who’d hounded me, which I considered to be poetic justice. And, after that, I just starting saying no thanks, and eventually people do give up.
In a funny sort of occurrence, I spent several years covering the business of Disneyland for the newspaper, which necessitated going to the park several times a week. Many people told me how “lucky” I was to be able to go to Disneyland for a living. Now, I admit it was a good gig compared to digging sewer trenches or being a Walmart greeter all day.
But I don’t enjoy many of the rides there due to my extreme motion sickness, and when you go anywhere for work, even Disneyland, it loses its carefree appeal.
So I save money at the fair by skipping the carnival rides, although when I bring the kids, I just hand them my wallet and give up. I do try to avoid the shopping pavilions, because it’s just so easy to decide your life won’t be complete without that Wonder Mop you’ll never see anywhere else. (Although I have friends who go to the fair just to go shopping.)
But, oh, the smells of the food. You never smell Brussels sprouts cooking at the fair. It’s always something that our psyches are primevally pumped to crave, like bacon. Every edible item at the fair is wrapped in bacon, dipped in chocolate, sprinkled with sugar and fried. Even the vegetables. This year, there’s bacon cotton candy. And a cheddar bacon doughnut. For real. They should invent a diet aid that blocks your olfactory glands temporarily, so you could make it through these events without consuming 4,000 calories. Although fair food has no calories, like when you’re on vacation.
In case I’ve caused you to yearn for something deep fried and dipped in sugar, the fair this year runs from July 17 through Aug. 18. Maybe I’ll see you there.